So I felt like it was about time to start writing about my pregnancy! Yep I am now 4 months pregnant with a baby roughly the size of a large avocado in my belly and I could not be HAPPIER! Last year was a complete roller coaster of extreme highs and extreme lows, but so far this year has been pretty calm 🙂
I launched Imperfectly Pure, and little did I know it but almost exactly at the same time, a collection of cells was beginning to form our baby!! It is so funny how things are timed!! I literally was creating two babies at exactly the same time!
I am over the moon at the prospect of being a mum! I just honestly thought it would take the longest time – after years of the depot Provera injection I was nervous about it. Would we even be able to get pregnant?!?! And so I rushed into acupuncture almost straight away. I was desperate for it to happen this year. But then my lovely friend Vera as USUAL had some very wise words: “Let your body do what you have prepared it for Katie. You have worked so hard to get to this place, just relax and let it happen. Everything is just perfect in there. That way, when it does happen you can take all of the credit for it!” I have seen lots of my closest friends struggle with conceiving, and that is a heart-breaking thing, so I do feel like this truly is a miracle, that I am pregnant and have a baby inside me. I feel extremely lucky and completely blessed by some higher being. I am definitely not taking it lightly.
But – how do I FEEL?? Well, I THOUGHT I would be one of these “earth mother” type women; I am a yoga teacher after all!!! What I actually feel like, most of the time, is a pile of shit. I thought I would bloom and glow, and look down on other people with a serene smile thinking “ah, I am pregnant. I am a goddess. Look at you! Ha!” So, err that has not happened! I really, really, REALLY want to love being pregnant, but for most of the first 4 months I haven’t. Instead I just kind of feel like I am failing a bit. Failing myself and the expectations I had unknowingly set myself for this magical time. It’s hard for me to admit that I am not loving being pregnant because I wanted to be the Best at it. But I just can’t seem to get my head around the fact that I am expanding and that that is a GOOD THING! Years of thinking negative thoughts about my body means that I sometimes find it hard to 100% accept that my weight should be increasing. That is sad. I feel uncomfortable and horrible in my own skin (sometimes I literally I want to RIP MY SKIN off it itches so much!); I have been incredibly bloated, constipated, I have been sick a LOT, felt like the life has literally been sucked out of me, and to top it all off I have been HORRIBLE and mean to my husband, my mum, my sister – to the people I treasure and love the most. They have all suffered my wrath!!! My husband has ALREADY seen me wet myself in hospital (thanks to a retroverted uterus I spent an afternoon in A&E unable to wee as the baby was blocking the exit of my bladder, so I had to be catheterised for 3 days). This was an extreme low. As was the moment I decided to walk 5 mins up the road with my portable leg catheter on, only for it to completely fill up and then almost fall down my leg. I caught it by grabbing the outside of my trouser leg and then hobbled home probably looking like an absolute nutter. I got home and cried and then laughed because it was just so ridiculous – hopping up the road clutching a bag of my own wee!! Some really messed up stuff happens when you are pregnant! I have cried on the tube for no reason (but actually, I have done that before anyway – love crying for no reason ;-)I have forgotten the names of people I know really well, I also had the weirdest moment the other day where I was trying to read my bosses credit card number out over the phone and stared at the number 4 for what felt like an eternity thinking “how the hell do I say this number?!?! What is this number?!?” – thank goodness it came to me! Baby brain 100% exists. I have it.
But despite all of these crazy emotions and weird body things, I am so so happy and excited. This is what we have wanted for such a long time and I must admit that I do feel ready. I also know that Ross is going to be the most wonderful dad. All children adore him! I have been talking to and meditating with the little bean every day since I found out. I just can’t stop thinking about what he or she is going to be like!! Three of my best friends have all given birth to beautiful baby boys the last 2 months, so seeing them with their babies is making me even more excited, they are all absolute naturals! It is a beautiful beautiful thing to witness! Being pregnant is bringing so much joy not only to me, but to everyone around me. It has given my nanny, my mum, my sister, my husband’s family – all of us something to live for and look forward to. That is the most amazing feeling; you don’t really realise or think about what it will do for other people, at least I didn’t. I mean, today Fed even did Standing Head to Knee for the baby! It was so awesome!! New life is miraculous and so so precious.
I am approaching this pregnancy in the way I like to – kind of with my eyes shut. No apps, not many books. Just learning what I want to, when I want to. And I have been so lucky to be able to continue really with my life in the usual way! Once the first trimester was finished I started my Bikram Yoga practice again (the hour long pregnancy series), I trained in the gym throughout my first trimester and I am still teaching spinning. I am still very active, but with this comes a new sense of really truly listening to my body. I am not pushing through anymore, heavy weights are out, but I am still challenging myself. It is important for me for now and for when the baby comes that my body and mind are strong, because I know that as my pregnancy progresses things will no doubt change. At the moment I am enjoying taking a more relaxed approach to my yoga practice, it also has softened my teaching a little bit. Everything feels softer (especially my belly and bum!!). I am trying my very best to do all of the right things – munching on many greens daily but also eating LOADS OF CARBS! Cinnamon whirls and bacon butties! I can’t help it! It’s what the baby wants ha-ha!! And who knew that Wotsits would be my ultimate sickness saviour?!? There really is just so much to learn, and actually writing this has been almost healing for me. Re-reading how I have been feeling is giving me a new sense of “come on Katie just enjoy this!! Everything will be ok!”
So, here it is my story so far. Warts and all! The good news is that I definitely look pregnant now (not just a bit fat, as one of my students noted she thought I was a month or so back!). I am hopeful that I am turning a corner, and am trying my best to be strong, slow down and look after myself. I really am living for each and every moment, I want to fill my life to the brim and I want to learn to love being pregnant and my pregnant body. Because, I feel, it truly is a miracle.