Where to begin….
I have been thinking of starting to write again a lot over the last few months as I feel like its such a nice way to document my life, for myself. I thought this after I got married as i wanted to bottle and hold onto the EXTREME happiness and joy i felt on that day – Sat 2nd August 2014, but then life ran away and now its almost December. so – what on earth has happened since I returned from TT in LA and taught my first class on 17th June?!
1) YOGAAAAA!!!! I am teaching – I think I am on about 75 classes now and I have been given 2 regular classes at BYC!! which is amazing and made me SO HAPPY. i also taught 2 feedback classes at SOHOT and HOT BIKRAM YOGA and received really fantastic feedback. this makes me just feel so so happy, i can’t describe it.i realised that when i went on TT i didn’t really think too much about whether i would love teaching – DOH! i just thought, i love the yoga and want it to be an even bigger part of my life. but it turns out i LOVE teaching so so much. It is unbelievable being part of my students journeys as such a new teacher, i get nervous every time but feel like this is what i am meant to be doing! YES!!!!!!!! i am also practicing every day at the moment which i need – this yoga is saving my life. it really is. my practice is stronger than ever and i have realised over the last month how strong it has made me – able to cope with what life is throwing. which has been a lot. and then we come to the low..
2) My dad Bob. was found dead in his flat by his cleaner on 17th October. i can’t describe how i felt but when i found out thank god i was right by BYC so there i ran, and Fed and Francesca were there to hold onto me and let me cry. i don’t want to forget this sadness and despair – because it is feeling and feeling, i think, is good, it shows you are living. my dad was so sad for many years and at the moment i am holding on to the fact that now, nothing can hurt him and he is at peace. i loved my dad but a lot of the time i found it hard to like him, and the bereavement counselling i have started i know is going to help me come to terms with all the emotions i have built up towards my dad. my lovely friend Vera had already started to help me let go of these feelings a few years ago when things with my dad were bad, but i have a long way to go. me, mum and sarah – we all do. and we will all do it at our own pace – which is also something vera helped me to realise. i am a feeler, a crier and talker. if something is upsetting me, everyone will know because i can’t shy away from it – i need to work through it no matter how painful. whereas that is not right for everyone…..i listen to the songs we picked for my dads funeral every day at the moment – time is a healer eva cassidy, desperado the eagles, and walk of life dire straits. when i listen to them i am taken back to the day of the funeral when we said goodbye. Dad – I love you.
3) A HAPPIEST TIME!!!!!! marrying my love Ross. i want to end this first blog since june on a high. my wedding day. we wore blue, drank bottles and bottles of prosecco on the river all day surrounded by our most special people. ate tapas danced to our friend band – it was an amazing beautiful day and i was so happy to marry Ross. i love him so much and being married is the best. it feels so lovely 🙂 our week in the maldives after was unbelievable – it was like paradise – and exactly what we needed. i ate everything – huge breakfasts of bacon and eggs, drank delicious ginger cocktails and ate amazing dinners, i fell asleep on my sun lounger every day, ross went snorkelling, we made friends with all the staff and had the BEST TIME EVER. and then we had a week at home after to relax and hug kenny and gloria.
this is the last 6 months in a tiny nutshell….what am i doing now? focusing on my loved ones, making sure they are ok, yogaing, reading poetry and even reading small pieces of poetry at the end of classes, just being myself and trying to come to terms with the loss of my dad. he was a good man, a kind man, but in the end so sad. i know now that wherever he is he is there for all of us in a way he was unable to be here on this earth. and i know he has been showing me that – from the tiny white feather on my mat at yoga, to the little robin that came up to the window at mums to the 2 high rainbows i drove under 3 days after it happened. ill keep looking out for him because i know he is there….